1. While you’re pregnant don’t do anything!
Don’t drink anything because even water can be contaminated. Caffeine will ruin your baby and make them anxious and they will never sleep through the night. Just to be safe, don’t even be near coffee because the fumes will go straight to your unborn child and they will come out of you like they’re all jacked up on Mountain Dew.
Don’t sleep on your back because it will squish your organs, don’t sleep on your side because it will constrict blood flow, and don’t sleep on your stomach because you will squish your baby. To be super safe, just don’t sleep. It will prepare you to be a perfect mom anyway. Perfect moms don’t sleep and they don’t need sleep. They just discuss on Facebook how weak and selfish moms are who actually sleep.
2. Have a baby with
no complications or assistance.
Having a baby naturally is wonderful. Having an at-home birth is amazing and takes tremendous bravery. But that isn’t enough! To be a perfect mom, you must not only have a child in the most natural way possible (which is pretty damn amazing in itself), you must do it without feeling any pain. Perfect moms feel no pain. Don’t picture a “happy place” while giving birth either. Your happy place is giving birth because you’re a perfect mom and that’s all you were ever meant to do. Ever.
You definitely can’t have an epidural, be induced, have a c-section, or take advantage of being in a hospital where there is help. If you have to be in a hospital to give birth, make sure you post on Facebook about how you didn’t need any assistance in your delivery. Don’t forget to discuss how you only pushed once, and how the baby smiled as soon as the doctor held him/her up to see you for the first time. Everyone needs to know how painless your delivery was as well, so don’t forget to share that tidbit.
Having a baby naturally is wonderful. Having an at-home birth is amazing and takes tremendous bravery. But that isn’t enough! To be a perfect mom, you must not only have a child in the most natural way possible (which is pretty damn amazing in itself), you must do it without feeling any pain. Perfect moms feel no pain. Don’t picture a “happy place” while giving birth either. Your happy place is giving birth because you’re a perfect mom and that’s all you were ever meant to do. Ever.
You definitely can’t have an epidural, be induced, have a c-section, or take advantage of being in a hospital where there is help. If you have to be in a hospital to give birth, make sure you post on Facebook about how you didn’t need any assistance in your delivery. Don’t forget to discuss how you only pushed once, and how the baby smiled as soon as the doctor held him/her up to see you for the first time. Everyone needs to know how painless your delivery was as well, so don’t forget to share that tidbit.
3. Breastfeed.
Do it until they’re 5 or you’re not a devoted mom. Apparently breastfeeding isn’t enough, you need to do it until they start Kindergarten or your child will turn out to be a hooligan with Mommy issues.
Don’t even think about formula. Are you trying to raise a serial killer?!
4. Make everything.
Make your own baby food. If you buy it already made, you’re lazy. Make your own wipes, diapers, clothing, knit your own socks from organic yarn. Hell, call Ron Swanson to make your baby crib because if you buy one from Babies R Us your kid is doomed. If you don’t make it and it isn’t 100 % organic you might as well be raising your baby to be the next Alex Mack.
Do it until they’re 5 or you’re not a devoted mom. Apparently breastfeeding isn’t enough, you need to do it until they start Kindergarten or your child will turn out to be a hooligan with Mommy issues.
Don’t even think about formula. Are you trying to raise a serial killer?!
4. Make everything.
Make your own baby food. If you buy it already made, you’re lazy. Make your own wipes, diapers, clothing, knit your own socks from organic yarn. Hell, call Ron Swanson to make your baby crib because if you buy one from Babies R Us your kid is doomed. If you don’t make it and it isn’t 100 % organic you might as well be raising your baby to be the next Alex Mack.
5. No TV ever.
Definitely don’t let your child watch TV. They’ll never read if they watch more than ten seconds of television before the age of 25 and you’ll be to blame. Their brains will fry and they will live in your basement forever. Reading to them will make no difference because the 30 minutes of television they watch per day will definitely counteract the hours you spend reading/playing/teaching with them.
Who cares if you need to do laundry or dishes or cook dinner for your child? Never fall back on television in order to care for your child. And certainly don’t watch the news or anything while your child is in the room. Don’t be selfish.
6. Never leave your child!
This is the most important rule to being a perfect mom to an infant. NEVER leave your child. When they are sleeping, don’t you dare shower or take a nap! Lay in the crib with your child. If you leave they will definitely develop trust issues. You must never leave your child with their other parent or a grandparent, or (God forbid) a babysitter!
Going to the doctor or dentist can wait. Don’t even think about getting your hair done. If you go on a date with your significant other, you’re definitely being selfish. Think about your child here. Don’t forget to post on Facebook how selfless you are!
Gosh, it must be nice to be perfect! I still have so much to learn. Thank God for Facebook or I would never know how to be a good mom. Three kids later and I’m still doing everything wrong!
*This is meant to be funny. I don’t think perfect moms exist. Please don’t tell me how perfect you are because I’ll just be up all night laughing and I don’t have that kind of time.
Definitely don’t let your child watch TV. They’ll never read if they watch more than ten seconds of television before the age of 25 and you’ll be to blame. Their brains will fry and they will live in your basement forever. Reading to them will make no difference because the 30 minutes of television they watch per day will definitely counteract the hours you spend reading/playing/teaching with them.
Who cares if you need to do laundry or dishes or cook dinner for your child? Never fall back on television in order to care for your child. And certainly don’t watch the news or anything while your child is in the room. Don’t be selfish.
6. Never leave your child!
This is the most important rule to being a perfect mom to an infant. NEVER leave your child. When they are sleeping, don’t you dare shower or take a nap! Lay in the crib with your child. If you leave they will definitely develop trust issues. You must never leave your child with their other parent or a grandparent, or (God forbid) a babysitter!
Going to the doctor or dentist can wait. Don’t even think about getting your hair done. If you go on a date with your significant other, you’re definitely being selfish. Think about your child here. Don’t forget to post on Facebook how selfless you are!
Gosh, it must be nice to be perfect! I still have so much to learn. Thank God for Facebook or I would never know how to be a good mom. Three kids later and I’m still doing everything wrong!
*This is meant to be funny. I don’t think perfect moms exist. Please don’t tell me how perfect you are because I’ll just be up all night laughing and I don’t have that kind of time.
Oh man you forgot how your child is only supposed to eat at organic food places because God forbid they suck down McDonald's ever in their life...we have set them up with food complexes for the rest of their life. Organic. Always.
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If McDonald's is a parenting sin, I'll see you in Hell! We can't get enough of those over-processed chicken nuggets! Ha!
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