The Mom I Thought I'd Be

                Have you ever taken a step back and looked at your life and how it has turned out? If you’re anything like me you do it often and each time you’re surprised at how different things are from what you had expected. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it can be unexpected.
                The most common aspect of my life that turned out much more differently than I could ever have imagined is who I am as a mother and wife. I knew I’d kick ass at both things, which I do on occasion, but I had no idea how much doubt goes into caring for tiny humans and the big human who helped you create them. I love my life. It is chaotic, overwhelming, and it is never perfect. To an outsider looking in I probably seem like a big fat failure as a wife and mother, and sometimes I am.
                We are all just doing our very best not to raise serial killers and to make sure our husbands still check us out when we walk upstairs in front of him. There is no right way to accomplish either of these things. This blog post isn’t about the mommy wars and it isn’t about mommy shaming (I’ve got your back, sista)! It is about how foolish we are to believe that the course of mommy-hood will ever go as planned.
                Here are just a few ways that I have failed to live up to my own idea of the mom and wife I thought I’d be.

1. I’m not laid-back.
                If you know me at all, you know this to be true. I’m a tightly wound individual. In fact, if it weren’t for my patient, laid-back husband I would probably go insane. I can’t even begin to tell you how wrong I was in assuming that I’d be the laid-back mom.
                You know, the mom who can be found curled up on the couch, cup of coffee in hand and having a meaningful phone conversation with her best friend. Meanwhile, the kids are putting peanut butter in the air vents to make the house smell like sandwiches. It’s not that she doesn’t care and she’d never put her children in danger intentionally, she just understands that in order for her not to lose her mind she needs to relax. I’ll always want to be that mom, but that will never happen. At least not without me being heavily medicated.

2. I’m not a chef.
                I always thought that having kids would instantly make me a great cook. Little Johnny would love every single food on the planet because of the fact that his mom (me) made everything taste delicious. Brussel sprouts would taste like unicorn tears (I’m just imagining they would taste delicious) and carrots would be candy in his eyes.
                My kids are lucky if our chicken breasts get spruced up from the same old recipe. Spaghetti is a staple in my house because you can’t mess it up, and obviously, pasta is delicious. I’m by no means a terrible cook, but you won’t see my kids bringing leftover duck tartare in their lunchboxes. I don’t even know if duck tartare is a thing – a testament to my poor cooking skills.

3. I’m not glam.
                I always assumed that after having kids I’d still be able to keep up with my beauty routine. I dreamed I’d be the wife who was always well dressed, with perfect hair and makeup when my husband came home from work. I would be in the kitchen cooking our duck tartare while rocking a pair of outrageous stilettos and bright red lipstick.
                Who was I kidding? My poor husband is lucky if I’ve managed to change out of my gym clothes and shower by the time he makes it home. At least I know the guy really loves me for me, because I can seriously look haggard some days. I do try my best sometimes…when I get the chance…sometimes.

4. I don’t have a hot bod.
                Don’t get me wrong, I love my body. It has done some amazing things and I feel like I’ve still got it (don’t care what anyone else thinks) even after having three kids. I take care of myself and I work hard without punishing myself over a cupcake or glass (or three glasses) of wine.
                However, I had this idea that I’d be super fit and in amazing shape. I’m a stay at home mom – I thought I’d have SO MUCH TIME to get in shape! What a joke. The only reason I make it to the YMCA to work out when I do is because I can drop my kids off with some awesome ladies (Shout-out to the ladies at the Effingham Y child watch for being so freakin’ awesome) and be by MYSELF for up to two hours. Now, whether or not I’m in an intense fitness class or barely breaking a sweat on the treadmill while watching Kelly and Michael is none of your business.

5. I’m not besties with my SAHM friends.
                I had this crazy image that when I became a stay at home mom I would immediately be best friends with at least 3 other stay at home moms. We would spend our days sitting around each others’ houses while the kids played quietly and we would drink coffee (and after 5:00, wine) and laugh and cry together. Our husbands would all be best friends and we would all pretty much never be at our own houses because so much fun was being had elsewhere.
                I do have some amazing SAHM friends. I have some amazing friends who are SAHMs, but don’t live anywhere near me. Regardless, what stay at home mom actually has time for that kind of nonsense? Exactly. I’m not sure where this fantasy came from. Probably Desperate Housewives.

6. My house is a mess.
                I’m not sure why I thought my house would ever be clean, let alone immaculate. I do what I can and it feels like I’m constantly cleaning something off of something, but my house can never be considered really clean. I had this vision of a perfectly white home. White carpets, white couches, white sheets, and everyone would wear nothing but white. Looking back on that vision now, I have to laugh because all of those white linens are covered in poop or crayons. Usually poop.

                None of us are perfect and I’m not sure where we got these insane ideas of what a “perfect” mom and wife look like. I mean, even the mom who is a chef probably isn’t in supermodel shape because, obviously, I’d be a major fatty if I could actually cook. I’d eat all day, every day! The supermodel mom might never be a chef because she’s so used to eating lettuce all day and that requires no cooking. I guess the wine is always sweeter on the other side. (See what I did there?)

Girls' Nights - Before Kids vs After Kids

               Do you remember the days before kids when you used to have girls’ nights once a weekend, if not more? Yeah, me either. But for the sake of it, let’s try to remember how ladies nights used to go in comparison to how they typically happen now that we have pushed out a kid or two.

Planning before kids…
                Before kids we could decide spur of the moment if a night was going to incorporate guys or be a girls only event strictly by what was going on in the lives of our circle of friends. Sue broke up with her boyfriend? Girls’ night! Sue got a new boyfriend? Girls’ night! We have no guys to hang out with? You got it – girls’ night!
                Of course when it comes time to decide what to do, even a girls’ night in usually turns into a night out. Someone will end up texting or calling and convincing one person that your gang NEEDS to be at a particular bar because Sue’s ex is there. Then Sue starts ugly-crying and the only solution, obviously, is to go out so she can show her ex how well she is handling the break up.
               

Planning after kids…
                Planning for an evening out in general either falls under the category of “girls’ night” or “date night”. If you don’t have any family around to help out with the kiddos and (like me) you’re too cheap to hire a babysitter, then your night will almost certainly be a girls’ night regardless of whether you want it to or not. I guess there are laws against leaving small children to fend for themselves while you and your significant other go out for a night on the town. Whatevs.
                These nights don’t happen on a whim. They must be carefully planned and usually occur after the little ones go to bed in an attempt to be respectful of your poor husband who has to stay home with the kids while you go out and get wasted off of one glass of wine. You may debate on going out (and on a rare occasion you actually do go out) but mostly you and your group of mom-friends decide to stay home and have a relaxing night of phase 10 on the patio while indulging in a few beverages.

Girls’ night shenanigans before kids…
                Everyone will spend an hour or so getting ready and pre-gaming (how else will you walk in like you own the place?) before you head out for the bar. When you get to the bar you end up spending the evening with everyone you’ve ever known which kind of negates the idea of a girls’ night in the first place. At one point the DJ will play “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey and you and your friends will out-sing the entire bar: it was fate that brought you to that bar. That’s your song, after all!
                After drinking more than any human being ever should, you all decide to head home after at least one friend loses a shoe, another cries in the bar, and another meets her “soul mate”. Two or more of you sleep over at whoever’s house is closest and typically end up crawling in the window of her apartment because your friend “misplaced” her key (it was in her purse all along).

Girls’ night shenanigans after kids…
                You plan on having a drink or two, being home at a reasonable hour, and just chatting with your neighbors. In reality, you have a drink (or three) too many. You declare your love for all of your “new besties” and decide you’re going to hang out again tomorrow night and do the same thing.
                The plan to play card games is initially a good one and you totally deal the cards and even start playing. Then you all have a couple of drinks and decide to discuss everyone’s life stories, and maybe have a couple of impromptu dance breaks. You stay up until 2 am and the only reason you go home is because you know tomorrow is going to suck. It’s really going to suck.

The morning after, before kids…
                You sleep until noon. Once your ladies wake up you all pile in someone’s car in your sweats (except for that one friend who has to shower, get dressed, and put on full makeup before they’ll leave the house) and head out for lunch at a local eatery for something greasy. You order a diet coke and something tasty and chow down while discussing the shenanigans of the night before. “No way!”, “You did what?!”, and “How did I miss that?” can be heard on repeat. You then go home and nap so you’ll be rested to it all again tonight.

The morning after, after kids…
                If you’re lucky you sleep until 9:00 am. You roll out of bed and trudge downstairs. You smell coffee and almost puke at the smell and then the kids see you. They call your name with what seems to be the loudest voice you’ve ever heard. When did their voices get so LOUD? Why are they hopping around so much? When did you develop motion sickness from watching someone jump up and down like a freaking rabbit with a cocaine addiction?
                You then swear to yourself aloud, “I’ll never do that again. Never ever ever.” You put Frozen on and pretend you don’t smell like a brewery and convince your children that a nap is in order. You’ve only been up 5 minutes and you already don’t know how you’ll make it through the day.

                What do you think? How have your girls’ nights changed in the years since you’ve had kids? I think even those of us who don’t have kids can relate to this one. Six years ago I could hang! Now, after a night of drinking, I could hang myself.

                On that note, I must go get ready. Having a girls’ night at my neighbor’s tonight. 

How to be a Perfect Mom - the first few months...

1. While you’re pregnant don’t do anything!
                Don’t drink anything because even water can be contaminated. Caffeine will ruin your baby and make them anxious and they will never sleep through the night. Just to be safe, don’t even be near coffee because the fumes will go straight to your unborn child and they will come out of you like they’re all jacked up on Mountain Dew.
                Don’t sleep on your back because it will squish your organs, don’t sleep on your side because it will constrict blood flow, and don’t sleep on your stomach because you will squish your baby. To be super safe, just don’t sleep. It will prepare you to be a perfect mom anyway. Perfect moms don’t sleep and they don’t need sleep. They just discuss on Facebook how weak and selfish moms are who actually sleep.

2. Have a baby with no complications or assistance.
                Having a baby naturally is wonderful. Having an at-home birth is amazing and takes tremendous bravery. But that isn’t enough! To be a perfect mom, you must not only have a child in the most natural way possible (which is pretty damn amazing in itself), you must do it without feeling any pain. Perfect moms feel no pain. Don’t picture a “happy place” while giving birth either. Your happy place is giving birth because you’re a perfect mom and that’s all you were ever meant to do. Ever.
                You definitely can’t have an epidural, be induced, have a c-section, or take advantage of being in a hospital where there is help. If you have to be in a hospital to give birth, make sure you post on Facebook about how you didn’t need any assistance in your delivery. Don’t forget to discuss how you only pushed once, and how the baby smiled as soon as the doctor held him/her up to see you for the first time. Everyone needs to know how painless your delivery was as well, so don’t forget to share that tidbit.

3. Breastfeed.
                Do it until they’re 5 or you’re not a devoted mom. Apparently breastfeeding isn’t enough, you need to do it until they start Kindergarten or your child will turn out to be a hooligan with Mommy issues.
                Don’t even think about formula. Are you trying to raise a serial killer?!
4. Make everything.
                Make your own baby food. If you buy it already made, you’re lazy. Make your own wipes, diapers, clothing, knit your own socks from organic yarn. Hell, call Ron Swanson to make your baby crib because if you buy one from Babies R Us your kid is doomed. If you don’t make it and it isn’t 100 % organic you might as well be raising your baby to be the next Alex Mack.

5. No TV ever.
                Definitely don’t let your child watch TV. They’ll never read if they watch more than ten seconds of television before the age of 25 and you’ll be to blame. Their brains will fry and they will live in your basement forever. Reading to them will make no difference because the 30 minutes of television they watch per day will definitely counteract the hours you spend reading/playing/teaching with them.
                Who cares if you need to do laundry or dishes or cook dinner for your child? Never fall back on television in order to care for your child. And certainly don’t watch the news or anything while your child is in the room. Don’t be selfish.
 6. Never leave your child!
                This is the most important rule to being a perfect mom to an infant. NEVER leave your child. When they are sleeping, don’t you dare shower or take a nap! Lay in the crib with your child. If you leave they will definitely develop trust issues. You must never leave your child with their other parent or a grandparent, or (God forbid) a babysitter!
                Going to the doctor or dentist can wait. Don’t even think about getting your hair done. If you go on a date with your significant other, you’re definitely being selfish. Think about your child here. Don’t forget to post on Facebook how selfless you are!

Gosh, it must be nice to be perfect! I still have so much to learn. Thank God for Facebook or I would never know how to be a good mom. Three kids later and I’m still doing everything wrong!

*This is meant to be funny. I don’t think perfect moms exist. Please don’t tell me how perfect you are because I’ll just be up all night laughing and I don’t have that kind of time.