Daddy Duty

              As most of you know, I’m a stay at home mom to three little ones (ages 5 and under) and have been since my first child was born. It’s always been a job I enjoy, and due to the cost of child care, it’s a smart decision for my family financially as well. I am almost never away from my children.

              On the rare occasion of a girls’ night out, or a shopping trip alone, I leave the kids with their Dad. I never have to ask twice or beg him to take care of our children, as he knows that “me” time is crucial in the life of a mother (and father, for that matter). I never worry for a second about his abilities to take care of our children, and I never worry that he is going to be upset if I ask to go out alone again twice in one month, or twice in one week for that matter.
             

              This is why I was shocked at the response of an acquaintance recently.

              Two days this week I was away from home. I was chosen to be an extra in a movie filming locally and my husband and I both agreed that it was the opportunity of a lifetime and I couldn’t miss out. He took two paid personal days off work (which shocked the world, but let’s be honest – it’s two days, not two weeks) and stayed at home with the kids so I could go play “movie star” for a couple of days.

              This person, who is very ‘old school’, when it comes to parenting (meaning the husband works, the mother takes care of the kids – end of story) actually said to me, “Don’t feel guilty for leaving the kids with hubby. I’m sure they’ll survive.” Say whaaaat??

              I simply responded, “I didn’t leave them alone to fend for themselves. I left them with their very capable father. I’m not worried.” I was gone for two days. TWO days! My husband is a teacher and coach and due to his coaching position he is gone for the entire day. He sees the kids for maybe 15 minutes before he leaves in the morning and isn’t home until well after they are in bed at night. However, I don’t know that I’ve ever heard anyone try and console my husband after leaving the kids with me.

When did we start expecting less of our husbands as fathers?

              I’m really dying to know. When did the responsibility of parenting become solely that of the mother? When did we start assuming that Dads don’t know how to take care of their children?

Maybe this topic bothers me so much because I hit the jack pot with my husband. I didn’t just leave my kids with him to sit around the house all day. He got them off to school, to dance, he cleaned, he cooked them dinner, hell, he did everything I do! My only worry the entire time I was gone was whether or not he would be able to pull off a pony tail for the girls to wear to dance. He did, by the way.

Why should we, as mothers, feel obligated to worry about our husbands doing their job as fathers? It makes no sense to me. I shouldn’t have to feel anxious when asking my husband to put the kids to bed so I can go to dinner with a friend (and I don’t), and I shouldn’t have to be the only one to change poopy diapers because my husband doesn’t “do” diapers (I hear this one a lot). You “do” me and knock me up, you WILL do diapers.

I understand that all families are different and some women enjoy being the main one to care for their children, but a lot of women probably wish their husband would be a little more hands-on. When did society start viewing it as “normal” for husbands to suck at being dads? It isn’t even that they don’t try – the ones who do try are often criticized for how they do things, and who wants to continue to try with that kind of response?

I had a friend once, many years ago, who left her one year old daughter with her husband for just a few hours while she went shopping one evening. The little girl was about a year old and about an hour into our shopping trip, she had already received several texts and phone calls from her husband. He didn’t know basic things like what time she ate and went to bed. Finally, he calls her frantic and says he can’t get the baby to stop screaming and begs her to come home. So of course she does.

I later found out from that friend that her husband didn’t realize their child needed to be fed an actual dinner. He gave her some blueberries for a snack around 4 pm and couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t stop crying. He literally didn’t know that he was supposed to feed his child. True story.

Can we all just agree to, if nothing else, make sure our husbands know to feed our children? God forbid something happen to the wife of one of these “I don’t change diapers” Daddy’s. Where would that leave them? Would they even know how? We raise hell about being strong, independent women, but what about raising hell for strong, independent Dads??

I know, without a doubt, that if something were to happen to me tomorrow, my husband would be able to take care of business. How do I know this? Because he already does it; often. He doesn’t cop out on the excuse that so-and-so’s wife doesn’t make him do dishes, or that his buddy has never changed a diaper or given the kids a bath. He sucks it up, he helps take care of the human lives that he helped create, and he does it well.

If a mother acted the way that society expects father’s to act, there would be outrage. There would be child services involved and the mother would be called “neglectful”. Where is the same outrage of high expectations for our fathers? I am not saying a father should take on the role of a mother. Our husbands (usually) work hard. They come home tired. Well guess what? So do a lot of mothers.

It should not be socially acceptable or expected for men to toss the job of parenting into the laps of their wives. It isn’t fair and isn’t “normal”. Give your husband some credit, whether he wants it or not. He is capable, he is needed, and he sure as hell isn’t stupid. He’s got this. Now go get your hair did without feeling guilty for allowing your husband to parent your children. It’s his job too.