Daddy Duty

              As most of you know, I’m a stay at home mom to three little ones (ages 5 and under) and have been since my first child was born. It’s always been a job I enjoy, and due to the cost of child care, it’s a smart decision for my family financially as well. I am almost never away from my children.

              On the rare occasion of a girls’ night out, or a shopping trip alone, I leave the kids with their Dad. I never have to ask twice or beg him to take care of our children, as he knows that “me” time is crucial in the life of a mother (and father, for that matter). I never worry for a second about his abilities to take care of our children, and I never worry that he is going to be upset if I ask to go out alone again twice in one month, or twice in one week for that matter.
             

              This is why I was shocked at the response of an acquaintance recently.

              Two days this week I was away from home. I was chosen to be an extra in a movie filming locally and my husband and I both agreed that it was the opportunity of a lifetime and I couldn’t miss out. He took two paid personal days off work (which shocked the world, but let’s be honest – it’s two days, not two weeks) and stayed at home with the kids so I could go play “movie star” for a couple of days.

              This person, who is very ‘old school’, when it comes to parenting (meaning the husband works, the mother takes care of the kids – end of story) actually said to me, “Don’t feel guilty for leaving the kids with hubby. I’m sure they’ll survive.” Say whaaaat??

              I simply responded, “I didn’t leave them alone to fend for themselves. I left them with their very capable father. I’m not worried.” I was gone for two days. TWO days! My husband is a teacher and coach and due to his coaching position he is gone for the entire day. He sees the kids for maybe 15 minutes before he leaves in the morning and isn’t home until well after they are in bed at night. However, I don’t know that I’ve ever heard anyone try and console my husband after leaving the kids with me.

When did we start expecting less of our husbands as fathers?

              I’m really dying to know. When did the responsibility of parenting become solely that of the mother? When did we start assuming that Dads don’t know how to take care of their children?

Maybe this topic bothers me so much because I hit the jack pot with my husband. I didn’t just leave my kids with him to sit around the house all day. He got them off to school, to dance, he cleaned, he cooked them dinner, hell, he did everything I do! My only worry the entire time I was gone was whether or not he would be able to pull off a pony tail for the girls to wear to dance. He did, by the way.

Why should we, as mothers, feel obligated to worry about our husbands doing their job as fathers? It makes no sense to me. I shouldn’t have to feel anxious when asking my husband to put the kids to bed so I can go to dinner with a friend (and I don’t), and I shouldn’t have to be the only one to change poopy diapers because my husband doesn’t “do” diapers (I hear this one a lot). You “do” me and knock me up, you WILL do diapers.

I understand that all families are different and some women enjoy being the main one to care for their children, but a lot of women probably wish their husband would be a little more hands-on. When did society start viewing it as “normal” for husbands to suck at being dads? It isn’t even that they don’t try – the ones who do try are often criticized for how they do things, and who wants to continue to try with that kind of response?

I had a friend once, many years ago, who left her one year old daughter with her husband for just a few hours while she went shopping one evening. The little girl was about a year old and about an hour into our shopping trip, she had already received several texts and phone calls from her husband. He didn’t know basic things like what time she ate and went to bed. Finally, he calls her frantic and says he can’t get the baby to stop screaming and begs her to come home. So of course she does.

I later found out from that friend that her husband didn’t realize their child needed to be fed an actual dinner. He gave her some blueberries for a snack around 4 pm and couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t stop crying. He literally didn’t know that he was supposed to feed his child. True story.

Can we all just agree to, if nothing else, make sure our husbands know to feed our children? God forbid something happen to the wife of one of these “I don’t change diapers” Daddy’s. Where would that leave them? Would they even know how? We raise hell about being strong, independent women, but what about raising hell for strong, independent Dads??

I know, without a doubt, that if something were to happen to me tomorrow, my husband would be able to take care of business. How do I know this? Because he already does it; often. He doesn’t cop out on the excuse that so-and-so’s wife doesn’t make him do dishes, or that his buddy has never changed a diaper or given the kids a bath. He sucks it up, he helps take care of the human lives that he helped create, and he does it well.

If a mother acted the way that society expects father’s to act, there would be outrage. There would be child services involved and the mother would be called “neglectful”. Where is the same outrage of high expectations for our fathers? I am not saying a father should take on the role of a mother. Our husbands (usually) work hard. They come home tired. Well guess what? So do a lot of mothers.

It should not be socially acceptable or expected for men to toss the job of parenting into the laps of their wives. It isn’t fair and isn’t “normal”. Give your husband some credit, whether he wants it or not. He is capable, he is needed, and he sure as hell isn’t stupid. He’s got this. Now go get your hair did without feeling guilty for allowing your husband to parent your children. It’s his job too.

The Great Uniform Debate - Four Invalid Arguments

               Ahhh, back to school season. A time for bento lunchboxes, mesh backpacks, new kicks, and a school supply list that costs the same as your car payment. No matter where your child attends school, one thing is a given – you’re going to spend money in order to clothe them this school year. Whether you’re buying a $100 pair of tennis shoes from Foot Locker or a $5 pair from Goodwill, we are all doing the best we can to help our children start the school year with less-worn clothing than what they’ve been wearing all summer and (hopefully) a little bit of extra confidence.

              Here in Georgia, there are just about as many schools without a uniform policy as there are schools with a uniform policy. This makes for some interesting Facebook debates among my friends. Because I have a ton of highly intelligent acquaintances who really do have thoughtful opinions to contribute, I’ve gathered lots of reasons for/against uniforms being used in public schools. Yes, I said PUBLIC schools. I’m not talking about the private schools where weekly tuition costs more than your monthly mortgage, because obviously, uniforms have been a staple in private schools for quite some time now. Nothing new there.

              Before I go into the arguments I’ve heard from both sides, let me be the first to say – I love uniforms. I am a huge fan and this post will be extremely biased. Even when my daughters are 16 and they tell me they hate me because I "make them dress like everybody else”, I will still love uniforms and I will give them these exact reasons why until I’m blue in the face. Plus, by then we will have hovercrafts and they can’t stay mad long while flying to the mall after school (Sky Mall, I’ve always been convinced you missed your calling with that in-flight catalogue. Hello. SKY mall. Mall in the sky. Get it?).

              Anyway. Here is my list of the most popular arguments that I hear as to why students should not have to wear uniforms to school.

1.       Educators should focus on educating – not fashion.

This one honestly surprises me every single time I hear it. Why? Well, first of all, your child’s teachers aren’t the ones who decided on the uniform policy for the school.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “Whaaaat? That can’t be! Teachers are responsible for everything in public schools. The lunch menu, the uniform policy, my child’s successes and failures…Everything!” 

I’m here to burst your bubble. Guess what teachers are at school to do? Their jobs. What does their job entail? Teaching your child. Protecting them, nurturing them, helping them cope with things that may be going on at home, supporting them, guiding them - these are all tasks that happen to be performed by teachers because they (most of them) love what they do.

If you seriously think teachers sit around all day eyeballing your kid’s clothes to make sure they fit the uniform policy, you’re out of your mind. They have to send your kid to the office if they aren’t following dress code so they don’t lose their job. Also, they can’t possibly let one kid get away with something and not the rest of their students. That would not go over well at all.

Here’s a thought! How about you do your job and send your kid to school in the right f*$#ing clothes. Problem solved.

 

2.       They’re expensive.

If you buy your child’s solid polo shirts and khaki pants at freakin’ Gymboree and Children’s Place instead of Wal-Mart, I’m going to stop you right there. Seriously, go away. You’re not allowed an opinion on this topic.

The biggest complaint I hear toward this topic is that it’s expensive to buy uniforms AND play clothes for after school, on the weekends, and over the holidays. That, I kind of understand. But seriously – I can get my child clothes from Wal-Mart, Target, and Old Navy without spending a fortune and I can shop the clearance racks at children’s specialty stores the season before and it’s actually cheaper than Wally World and Tarjay.

I guess what I’m saying is, if you have to have the best of the best then yes, it might cost you more than a cheap-o like me. But where there’s a will, there’s a way. Suck it up.

To everyone who thinks I’m a heartless b*#ch right now, I know what you’re thinking. “There are people who legitimately can’t afford new clothes at all, much less uniforms that have to fit a certain criteria.”

I get it. I do. I feel for you. However, this isn’t really a good argument against uniforms either. I’ve never seen a school who turned students away because they can’t afford uniforms. They have uniform drives, they can put you in touch with charitable organizations that can provide uniforms for you, and hell…most people will help you out of the goodness of their heart (uniforms or not) when it comes down to it. Again, where there’s a will there’s a way.

Believe it or not, schools are here to help our children.

 

3.       If kids have to wear uniforms, so should teachers.

This one was obviously spewed by some jealous woman who caught her husband checking out the art teacher’s ass at open house. I mean, let’s be honest here – teachers are not busting up in the school wearing something that’s going to cause a Janet Jackson-like “wardrobe malfunction” (or whatever the male equivalent would be for dudes), and they certainly aren’t trying to stand out and “distract” students.

Can you imagine if the teachers were dressed the same as the students. Seriously, think about it for a second. Kindergarten kids who are new to this whole “school” thing wouldn’t have a clue who to ask for help finding their classroom. They’d be so confused as to why the kid by the water fountain monitoring the hallway looks forty-five and wrinkled.

On the flip-side, I know some teachers who look like they are still in high school. Can you imagine if they were teaching high school, wearing the same clothes as the high school students, and actually look seventeen years old? Oh, that’s just bad news waiting to happen. Chaos, I tell you. Chaos.

Now, if by “teachers should wear uniforms too” you mean a chef’s uniform, a professional athlete’s uniform, a doctor’s uniform, etc. I’m sure they’d go for it if it meant they got paid what these professionals got paid. I’m just confused as to what uniforms teachers might wear that would satisfy people. They could all wear paper grocery sacks, but then I’m sure that would start a debate with unhappy environmentalists everywhere.

 

4.       Kids need to be able to express themselves.

This one is the only one that I can sometimes agree with. Sure, some children and teens find it hard to express themselves verbally. A lot of kids don’t want to join clubs or go out of their way find different activities that showcase the person they are becoming. I get it. I do.

However, I will always stand by my opinion on this particular subject. Kids can express themselves through dressing a certain way on Saturday and Sunday and every day after school. They have all summer to try out new styles and decide what they like and what they don’t like.

I will always tell my kids that if they want to express themselves and they want to stand out, they don’t need clothing or hair dye or a cool book bag to do that. They should be able to stand out based on the person they are on the inside, not the outer shell that can be so easily replicated, and bought.

Anybody can dye their hair blue or buy expensive clothes and it isn’t a testament to self-expression. It’s a testament to your taste in clothing. That’s it. You don’t make real friends based on sneakers and you sure as hell don’t make them based on what shirt you decide to wear to school that day.

You make friends after school at drama club, or football practice, or while sitting on the bleachers listening to Weezer. You make friends when you decide to sit next to someone new at lunch or during class when you realize the kid across from you spells their name the same way.

Uniqueness doesn’t come from the way you dress. Unless you make your own clothing, somebody, somewhere has worn it and it isn’t special. It’s a shirt. What makes kids truly unique is learning how to be unique and awesome without relying on superficial things.

 

               That’s all I’ve got. Do you have any arguments for or against uniforms that weren’t mentioned? Please share! I love a good discussion.

The Guy I Call Husband, and Why I Love Him

On August 16th I will celebrate being married to my handsome husband for 6 years. I've decided to use this blog post to celebrate him and the love I have for him.

I also hope to make a few people gag from the mushiness. You're welcome!

Here is a short list I have compiled of just a few of the many, many things I love about the man I married.

1. He's hot. 
    Have you seen him?
2. He isn't jealous.
    True love has very little room for jealousy. Yes, it's cute when your husband gets a little red in the face when he sees another guy hit on you, but if he picks a fight over it? That's a different story.
3. He trusts me.
    He always has, and always will as long as I continue to give him no reason not to. I may have had some trust issues when we first started dating, but he showed me that when you really love someone, you have to trust them. A relationship without trust can be unbearable.
4. He respects me.
    He respects my ideas, my opinions, my time, and me in general.
5. He respects others.
    Have you ever heard the saying "You can tell a lot about a person because of how they treat their waiter"? It's true. The way that Chris treats everyone, any human being he comes in contact with, never ceases to amaze me and make me fall in love with him all over again. He is always polite, always kind, and always respectful. His Mama definitely raised him right.
6. He is kind.
    This is a big one. I've seen this man go in restaurants on more than one occasion and buy a meal for someone begging for money on the street. I've seen him go above and beyond to help out friends and coworkers and never once expect anything in return. He is one of the most kind and compassionate people I've ever met in my life.
6. He is patient.
    With me, with our kids, with people who most would've lost their shit around a long time ago...even with our trouble maker puppy. He may lose his cool now and then (he says he isn't perfect, I beg to differ) but it takes a lot and he generally calms down much quicker than I do.
7. He helps me out.
    While he isn't home that often because of his job (during football season anyway), when he is home he does his very best to help in any way that he can. Whether that means waking up with the baby at 5:30 am so I can get an extra 30 minutes of sleep in, or doing the dishes before bed, he is always willing to lend a hand.
8. He loves his parents.
    Not many people (especially grown men) would ever moved away from their parents only to search for years for a job to bring us closer to them. He would do anything for his mom and step dad, or anyone in his family (or mine) for that matter and never think twice about it.
9. He loves sports.
    I'm a football fan, but that's really where I draw the line. Unless The Boy grows up to play baseball or golf or something, I'll probably never show interest in anything other than football. Not my husband. He will watch just about any type of athletic event on television. This might annoy me at times, but it's really a great thing. It is wonderful to have the capacity to be passionate about something. In my opinion, it speaks volumes about a person.
10. He didn't listen to his friends.
      I remember on our wedding day one of my husband's friends telling me he thought we made a mistake getting married. He said that getting married meant having kids and starting a family and he didn't think my husband was ready for that. If he said that to my face on my wedding day, what had he been saying to my husband about us before we got married?? Thank God he was mature and self aware enough to listen only to himself.
11. He still tries.
      He still holds doors open for me, holds my hand, takes me on dates, and comes up with surprises for me. He doesn't act like he has nothing to lose when it comes to our relationship.
12. He is the best father.
      He changes diapers, handles middle of the night feedings, fills in at dance class, holds down the fort for me to have a ladies night, reads bedtime stories, kisses booboos, gives hugs, kisses, and cuddles and there is absolutely nothing more attractive than a good Daddy.
13. He appreciates me.
      He has never once made me feel less than him for not having a full-time (paying) job. He acknowledges that what I'm doing by staying at home with our children is something pretty great and he always makes sure to tell me how much he appreciates everything I do.
14. He doesn't believe in divorce.
     We have mostly the same opinion and feelings toward the big issues in our lives...religion, politics, etc. Before we ever got married we both agreed on the fact that we don't believe in divorce (only under certain, extreme circumstances) and we still feel that way to this day.
15. He tells me he loves me.
     We aren't one of those couples who only say "I love you" while hanging up the phone or before bed. In fact, we've been (lovingly) picked on for how often we proclaim our love for each other on an average day. It doesn't matter who he is around, or what is going on, he's never afraid to let me know he loves me.
16. That smile of his.
      No, not the one acquaintances and coworkers see. Not the one he puts on to be polite or seem interested. The smile that is reserved for occasions of true happiness. When he finds something really funny or when he is very proud of something, he has a smile that is truly the most comforting thing in my entire life.

I'm always told I got one of the few good men out there - I'm convinced I've got the best! There is nothing that we can't overcome together. Things are not always perfect between the two of us, but we are both always more than willing to work toward a common goal - a happy, successful marriage.

With that being said, Happy Anniversary to the man who has made me happier than I've ever dreamed I could be. Thank you for this amazing life we have built together. I can't wait to see what is in store for us in the years to come!

How to stop being so negative. Sometimes. If you try.

              I’ve been in a funk lately, y’all. I won’t lie and tell you it’s always been sunshine and roses for me and my family – it hasn’t. After being in a really dark place for a while following the birth of my middle daughter (I suffered from PPD), I finally began to find my happy place again.
              Two years ago we moved to South GA, closer to family, and that really made a huge positive difference in my life. Going from having no one around to having family and friends just turned my entire attitude and perspective on life around.
              After all of this positivity and awesomeness, I have begun seeing the darkness creep back into my life. Things that I once let roll off my back have me crying into my pillow and I’ve found myself wanting to flip off total strangers even more than I usually do. This is what led me to writing this blog post. The need for happiness…No, not the need for happiness – my life is plenty happy and I’m very blessed in many areas of my life. My need is to develop the ability to let the good aspects of my life overpower the bad, stressful, disappointing parts of my life.
              This is something I’ve always struggled with, but it is getting to the point that even I am sick of it. I can’t imagine how unnerving it must be for those around me. So I’ve compiled a list of the things that I feel I can do (and everyone else can do too) to help myself stay positive and happy. Now, I’m not saying you’ll never see me whine on Facebook, and you’ll never see me skip a glass of wine after a super frustrating day…I’m just going to make more of an effort to overlook the negativity and see the awesome.

1. Let it Go.
              I plan to follow the advice of a particular Ice Queen we all know and tolerate and just let shit go. I can’t control every aspect of my life. I just can’t. That isn’t necessarily my issue (though my husband might beg to differ). My issue, and what constantly drags me down, is that I sit and mull over the things I can’t control.
              If it rains on a Saturday that we planned on spending at the beach, I never just let it go. Instead, I pout and grouch and cuss because my day was ruined. My saint of a husband will spend all day trying to find new activities to remedy my ruined beach trip and instead of hopping on an idea and making the day fun, I just stay pissy. It’s not fun for me. I don’t like pissy Stefanie. I’m sure everyone else hates her even more than I do. Maybe even more than they hate that I just used a line from Frozen in a blog post.
              It’s stuck in your head now, isn’t it?

2. Conceal, Don’t Feel.
              Oh snap. I did it again. Sorry, y’all.
              In all seriousness, I have no intentions of not feeling stressed, annoyed, angry, etc. I just have to learn to conceal these negative feelings a little better. For example, there really is no need for me to proclaim, “I hate people!” every time I go to Wal-Mart. Maybe if I don’t say it out loud, I will stop thinking it as often. Maybe not, but it’s worth a try.

3. Stop Complaining
              No, not all together. I’m not a saint. Mostly, I need to stop complaining to people with the expectation of something being done about it. For example, my sweet husband is a teacher as well as a football coach. He is almost never home during football season. There is literally nothing he could do in order to help with these three monsters if he isn’t home. I know this.
              However, that doesn’t stop me from texting him ten times a day. The text messages range from “Pick up wine on your way home,” to “Stop at a clinic and get a vasectomy on your way home because I’m not doing this shit again!” I’ve got to stop letting him know how much my days suck. It just makes his day suck when it doesn’t have to.

4. Get to the Gym.
              I love the gym, y’all. I was never the type of person to work out until after I had my third child. I joined the Y, made connections with some awesome women, and I continually surprise myself with what I can do.
              Lately, since I fell back into this funk, I have been slacking at the gym. I haven’t been going often, which means I’m not feeling cute at all. Not only that, but I’m not getting my me time! I seriously can’t say enough about the miracles it will do for your soul to drop your kids off for an hour, kick your own ass, and then pick them back up feeling refreshed (and tired).

5. Get Rid of the Assholes.
              Here lately I’ve realized that I have a lot of jerks in my life. Maybe they weren’t always jerks so I didn’t notice it, or maybe I used to be a jerk too and I just came to my senses. Either way, they are bringing me down.
              I have noticed that being around people who are constantly down and negative really takes a toll on one’s attitude. When you’re constantly thinking “Sheesh, what a jerk!” you start feeling like a jerk as well and it’s a vicious circle. Do yourself a favor. Get rid of the assholes in your life. Do it in a nice way so you aren’t then considered an asshole too, but get rid of them. You’ll thank me later.

6. Treat yo’self.
              Do it! Be selfish. Also, keep in mind that treating yourself doesn’t mean spending big bucks. If you’re a calorie counter, eat that cupcake! If you’re over-scheduled, spend a day (or an hour) doing absolutely nothing! If you’re a single mom with no help and no real means of relaxation, treat yourself by cutting yourself some slack for the day and not washing a single dish. It’ll be there tomorrow. I promise.

7. Treat someone else.
              This is a big one. I feel good when I help others. Damn good. Seriously, there is nothing like it. You know the feeling you get when your kids wake up on Christmas morning to see their awesome new gifts? That’s the feeling I get when I help someone else.
              The best part is, it doesn’t matter if I’m babysitting for a friend, buying something cool for my nephew, or taking care of a chore so my better half doesn’t have to do it later – it just feels good! This is something we are all capable of, no matter our circumstance. If the only thing you have to offer is a smile (even if you really hate people), treat someone. You’ll end up reaping more benefits than they ever will.

8. Remind yourself how awesome life is.
              No matter how tough anything gets, I have to remember that I don’t have it so bad. Now, please don’t be mistaken. I am not one to say, “Oh, it could be so much worse,” when people complain. That’s like saying, “Oh, so-and-so has it so much better,” as a response to someone’s happiness. It makes no sense. We are all fighting our own battles and celebrating our own victories, we are allowed to feel how we feel without comparing ourselves to others.
              What I’m saying is, if I remind myself daily how awesome life is then maybe it will stick. It will become a habit. Then when I’m trying to bathe my two girls while my freshly bathed and dressed one-year-old grabs a juicy turd out of the toilet I can easily remind myself that it is okay, because poop washes off, clothes can be changed, and hopefully we can just flush the potty and start over tomorrow.
              That actually sounds like a really great mantra for myself. “Poop washes off, clothes can be changed, and hopefully we can just flush the potty and start over tomorrow.”

Can you relate? What are some things you have realized that help to decrease the negativity in your own life?

The Mom I Thought I'd Be

                Have you ever taken a step back and looked at your life and how it has turned out? If you’re anything like me you do it often and each time you’re surprised at how different things are from what you had expected. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it can be unexpected.
                The most common aspect of my life that turned out much more differently than I could ever have imagined is who I am as a mother and wife. I knew I’d kick ass at both things, which I do on occasion, but I had no idea how much doubt goes into caring for tiny humans and the big human who helped you create them. I love my life. It is chaotic, overwhelming, and it is never perfect. To an outsider looking in I probably seem like a big fat failure as a wife and mother, and sometimes I am.
                We are all just doing our very best not to raise serial killers and to make sure our husbands still check us out when we walk upstairs in front of him. There is no right way to accomplish either of these things. This blog post isn’t about the mommy wars and it isn’t about mommy shaming (I’ve got your back, sista)! It is about how foolish we are to believe that the course of mommy-hood will ever go as planned.
                Here are just a few ways that I have failed to live up to my own idea of the mom and wife I thought I’d be.

1. I’m not laid-back.
                If you know me at all, you know this to be true. I’m a tightly wound individual. In fact, if it weren’t for my patient, laid-back husband I would probably go insane. I can’t even begin to tell you how wrong I was in assuming that I’d be the laid-back mom.
                You know, the mom who can be found curled up on the couch, cup of coffee in hand and having a meaningful phone conversation with her best friend. Meanwhile, the kids are putting peanut butter in the air vents to make the house smell like sandwiches. It’s not that she doesn’t care and she’d never put her children in danger intentionally, she just understands that in order for her not to lose her mind she needs to relax. I’ll always want to be that mom, but that will never happen. At least not without me being heavily medicated.

2. I’m not a chef.
                I always thought that having kids would instantly make me a great cook. Little Johnny would love every single food on the planet because of the fact that his mom (me) made everything taste delicious. Brussel sprouts would taste like unicorn tears (I’m just imagining they would taste delicious) and carrots would be candy in his eyes.
                My kids are lucky if our chicken breasts get spruced up from the same old recipe. Spaghetti is a staple in my house because you can’t mess it up, and obviously, pasta is delicious. I’m by no means a terrible cook, but you won’t see my kids bringing leftover duck tartare in their lunchboxes. I don’t even know if duck tartare is a thing – a testament to my poor cooking skills.

3. I’m not glam.
                I always assumed that after having kids I’d still be able to keep up with my beauty routine. I dreamed I’d be the wife who was always well dressed, with perfect hair and makeup when my husband came home from work. I would be in the kitchen cooking our duck tartare while rocking a pair of outrageous stilettos and bright red lipstick.
                Who was I kidding? My poor husband is lucky if I’ve managed to change out of my gym clothes and shower by the time he makes it home. At least I know the guy really loves me for me, because I can seriously look haggard some days. I do try my best sometimes…when I get the chance…sometimes.

4. I don’t have a hot bod.
                Don’t get me wrong, I love my body. It has done some amazing things and I feel like I’ve still got it (don’t care what anyone else thinks) even after having three kids. I take care of myself and I work hard without punishing myself over a cupcake or glass (or three glasses) of wine.
                However, I had this idea that I’d be super fit and in amazing shape. I’m a stay at home mom – I thought I’d have SO MUCH TIME to get in shape! What a joke. The only reason I make it to the YMCA to work out when I do is because I can drop my kids off with some awesome ladies (Shout-out to the ladies at the Effingham Y child watch for being so freakin’ awesome) and be by MYSELF for up to two hours. Now, whether or not I’m in an intense fitness class or barely breaking a sweat on the treadmill while watching Kelly and Michael is none of your business.

5. I’m not besties with my SAHM friends.
                I had this crazy image that when I became a stay at home mom I would immediately be best friends with at least 3 other stay at home moms. We would spend our days sitting around each others’ houses while the kids played quietly and we would drink coffee (and after 5:00, wine) and laugh and cry together. Our husbands would all be best friends and we would all pretty much never be at our own houses because so much fun was being had elsewhere.
                I do have some amazing SAHM friends. I have some amazing friends who are SAHMs, but don’t live anywhere near me. Regardless, what stay at home mom actually has time for that kind of nonsense? Exactly. I’m not sure where this fantasy came from. Probably Desperate Housewives.

6. My house is a mess.
                I’m not sure why I thought my house would ever be clean, let alone immaculate. I do what I can and it feels like I’m constantly cleaning something off of something, but my house can never be considered really clean. I had this vision of a perfectly white home. White carpets, white couches, white sheets, and everyone would wear nothing but white. Looking back on that vision now, I have to laugh because all of those white linens are covered in poop or crayons. Usually poop.

                None of us are perfect and I’m not sure where we got these insane ideas of what a “perfect” mom and wife look like. I mean, even the mom who is a chef probably isn’t in supermodel shape because, obviously, I’d be a major fatty if I could actually cook. I’d eat all day, every day! The supermodel mom might never be a chef because she’s so used to eating lettuce all day and that requires no cooking. I guess the wine is always sweeter on the other side. (See what I did there?)

Girls' Nights - Before Kids vs After Kids

               Do you remember the days before kids when you used to have girls’ nights once a weekend, if not more? Yeah, me either. But for the sake of it, let’s try to remember how ladies nights used to go in comparison to how they typically happen now that we have pushed out a kid or two.

Planning before kids…
                Before kids we could decide spur of the moment if a night was going to incorporate guys or be a girls only event strictly by what was going on in the lives of our circle of friends. Sue broke up with her boyfriend? Girls’ night! Sue got a new boyfriend? Girls’ night! We have no guys to hang out with? You got it – girls’ night!
                Of course when it comes time to decide what to do, even a girls’ night in usually turns into a night out. Someone will end up texting or calling and convincing one person that your gang NEEDS to be at a particular bar because Sue’s ex is there. Then Sue starts ugly-crying and the only solution, obviously, is to go out so she can show her ex how well she is handling the break up.
               

Planning after kids…
                Planning for an evening out in general either falls under the category of “girls’ night” or “date night”. If you don’t have any family around to help out with the kiddos and (like me) you’re too cheap to hire a babysitter, then your night will almost certainly be a girls’ night regardless of whether you want it to or not. I guess there are laws against leaving small children to fend for themselves while you and your significant other go out for a night on the town. Whatevs.
                These nights don’t happen on a whim. They must be carefully planned and usually occur after the little ones go to bed in an attempt to be respectful of your poor husband who has to stay home with the kids while you go out and get wasted off of one glass of wine. You may debate on going out (and on a rare occasion you actually do go out) but mostly you and your group of mom-friends decide to stay home and have a relaxing night of phase 10 on the patio while indulging in a few beverages.

Girls’ night shenanigans before kids…
                Everyone will spend an hour or so getting ready and pre-gaming (how else will you walk in like you own the place?) before you head out for the bar. When you get to the bar you end up spending the evening with everyone you’ve ever known which kind of negates the idea of a girls’ night in the first place. At one point the DJ will play “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey and you and your friends will out-sing the entire bar: it was fate that brought you to that bar. That’s your song, after all!
                After drinking more than any human being ever should, you all decide to head home after at least one friend loses a shoe, another cries in the bar, and another meets her “soul mate”. Two or more of you sleep over at whoever’s house is closest and typically end up crawling in the window of her apartment because your friend “misplaced” her key (it was in her purse all along).

Girls’ night shenanigans after kids…
                You plan on having a drink or two, being home at a reasonable hour, and just chatting with your neighbors. In reality, you have a drink (or three) too many. You declare your love for all of your “new besties” and decide you’re going to hang out again tomorrow night and do the same thing.
                The plan to play card games is initially a good one and you totally deal the cards and even start playing. Then you all have a couple of drinks and decide to discuss everyone’s life stories, and maybe have a couple of impromptu dance breaks. You stay up until 2 am and the only reason you go home is because you know tomorrow is going to suck. It’s really going to suck.

The morning after, before kids…
                You sleep until noon. Once your ladies wake up you all pile in someone’s car in your sweats (except for that one friend who has to shower, get dressed, and put on full makeup before they’ll leave the house) and head out for lunch at a local eatery for something greasy. You order a diet coke and something tasty and chow down while discussing the shenanigans of the night before. “No way!”, “You did what?!”, and “How did I miss that?” can be heard on repeat. You then go home and nap so you’ll be rested to it all again tonight.

The morning after, after kids…
                If you’re lucky you sleep until 9:00 am. You roll out of bed and trudge downstairs. You smell coffee and almost puke at the smell and then the kids see you. They call your name with what seems to be the loudest voice you’ve ever heard. When did their voices get so LOUD? Why are they hopping around so much? When did you develop motion sickness from watching someone jump up and down like a freaking rabbit with a cocaine addiction?
                You then swear to yourself aloud, “I’ll never do that again. Never ever ever.” You put Frozen on and pretend you don’t smell like a brewery and convince your children that a nap is in order. You’ve only been up 5 minutes and you already don’t know how you’ll make it through the day.

                What do you think? How have your girls’ nights changed in the years since you’ve had kids? I think even those of us who don’t have kids can relate to this one. Six years ago I could hang! Now, after a night of drinking, I could hang myself.

                On that note, I must go get ready. Having a girls’ night at my neighbor’s tonight. 

How to be a Perfect Mom - the first few months...

1. While you’re pregnant don’t do anything!
                Don’t drink anything because even water can be contaminated. Caffeine will ruin your baby and make them anxious and they will never sleep through the night. Just to be safe, don’t even be near coffee because the fumes will go straight to your unborn child and they will come out of you like they’re all jacked up on Mountain Dew.
                Don’t sleep on your back because it will squish your organs, don’t sleep on your side because it will constrict blood flow, and don’t sleep on your stomach because you will squish your baby. To be super safe, just don’t sleep. It will prepare you to be a perfect mom anyway. Perfect moms don’t sleep and they don’t need sleep. They just discuss on Facebook how weak and selfish moms are who actually sleep.

2. Have a baby with no complications or assistance.
                Having a baby naturally is wonderful. Having an at-home birth is amazing and takes tremendous bravery. But that isn’t enough! To be a perfect mom, you must not only have a child in the most natural way possible (which is pretty damn amazing in itself), you must do it without feeling any pain. Perfect moms feel no pain. Don’t picture a “happy place” while giving birth either. Your happy place is giving birth because you’re a perfect mom and that’s all you were ever meant to do. Ever.
                You definitely can’t have an epidural, be induced, have a c-section, or take advantage of being in a hospital where there is help. If you have to be in a hospital to give birth, make sure you post on Facebook about how you didn’t need any assistance in your delivery. Don’t forget to discuss how you only pushed once, and how the baby smiled as soon as the doctor held him/her up to see you for the first time. Everyone needs to know how painless your delivery was as well, so don’t forget to share that tidbit.

3. Breastfeed.
                Do it until they’re 5 or you’re not a devoted mom. Apparently breastfeeding isn’t enough, you need to do it until they start Kindergarten or your child will turn out to be a hooligan with Mommy issues.
                Don’t even think about formula. Are you trying to raise a serial killer?!
4. Make everything.
                Make your own baby food. If you buy it already made, you’re lazy. Make your own wipes, diapers, clothing, knit your own socks from organic yarn. Hell, call Ron Swanson to make your baby crib because if you buy one from Babies R Us your kid is doomed. If you don’t make it and it isn’t 100 % organic you might as well be raising your baby to be the next Alex Mack.

5. No TV ever.
                Definitely don’t let your child watch TV. They’ll never read if they watch more than ten seconds of television before the age of 25 and you’ll be to blame. Their brains will fry and they will live in your basement forever. Reading to them will make no difference because the 30 minutes of television they watch per day will definitely counteract the hours you spend reading/playing/teaching with them.
                Who cares if you need to do laundry or dishes or cook dinner for your child? Never fall back on television in order to care for your child. And certainly don’t watch the news or anything while your child is in the room. Don’t be selfish.
 6. Never leave your child!
                This is the most important rule to being a perfect mom to an infant. NEVER leave your child. When they are sleeping, don’t you dare shower or take a nap! Lay in the crib with your child. If you leave they will definitely develop trust issues. You must never leave your child with their other parent or a grandparent, or (God forbid) a babysitter!
                Going to the doctor or dentist can wait. Don’t even think about getting your hair done. If you go on a date with your significant other, you’re definitely being selfish. Think about your child here. Don’t forget to post on Facebook how selfless you are!

Gosh, it must be nice to be perfect! I still have so much to learn. Thank God for Facebook or I would never know how to be a good mom. Three kids later and I’m still doing everything wrong!

*This is meant to be funny. I don’t think perfect moms exist. Please don’t tell me how perfect you are because I’ll just be up all night laughing and I don’t have that kind of time.